You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
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