listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
