we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
