I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
