I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
