I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
The adults are the big ones right?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
