I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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