The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
