whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
