if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
We left the knife in your bed.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
