So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
