It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Randomize
