Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
