I wanna bring you to show and tell
In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
