forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize
