so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
