i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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