'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
