I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
