Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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