Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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