My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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