Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
As shirtless as possible
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
