Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
