FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
