I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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