uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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