He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
