sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
