Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Randomize
