Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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