It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
