Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
