He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Randomize