I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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