I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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