Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I'm passing your future prison.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Randomize
