You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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