Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
