You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
