As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
