dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
