Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
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In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
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those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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