I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
