This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
