my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
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