Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
tell me about the eggs
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
