I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
