There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
