I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
