im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Randomize
