my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
