I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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