I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
