My room smells like vodka and shame
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
