So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
