she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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